Jimmy Kimmel once again delivered laughs at ABC's upfront presentation to advertisers which took place at the Lincoln Center's Avery Fisher Hall on Tuesday, May 13. Following tradition, he roasted his own network, rival networks and their shows.
The late-night show host first took a jab at Jay-Z and Solange Knowles' elevator attack, saying, "Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in the elevator with this guy, he's a rapper and his wife is a singer. His sister-in-law was very upset..."
On ABC's claim that it was the No. 1 network, he said, "You heard Paul [Lee, ABC exec] say it, we're No. 1. We're No. 1? Look, I don't know what this No. 1 brand bulls**t is, I don't know what kind of 17 mile long ... collider they spun that one in, but the ABC I work at is not No. 1. In fact, we might need to crash on your couch for a while." He added, "Even [co-chairman, Disney Media Networks] Anne Sweeney was like, to hell with this, I'm outta here."
Kimmel also poked fun at ABC's slate for the upcoming TV season, "We are introducing a number of limited run series this year. 'American Crime' is 11 episodes. 'Secret of Lies' will go 10 episodes, and most of our shows will probably go even shorter than that."
"Don't get too attached to any of these shows, because most of them won't survive," he added later. "It's like adopting a kitten with cancer. Oh too much? I'm sorry. Well, you're going to hate our new show, 'Kittens with Cancer.' "
When addressing FOX's new series "Gotham", he quipped, "From what I can tell, this is a show for people who love everything about Batman except Batman. You know that part of the movie that's so boring that you skip right past it? Well now that's a series. You get to see the Dark Knight's testicles descend every week."
NBC was also targeted by the "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" host, saying, "Now NBC is on top. What do you do when you are on top? You double down and you hit them with Peter mother f***ing Pan. And then 'The Music Man'. Is Bob running a network or a musical theater camp?"
He went on, "Mark Burnett is producing an elaborate new miniseries for called 'A.D.' which he described as 'Game of Thrones' meets 'The Borgias' meets 'The Bible'. Now I read the pitch for this show. It sounds more to me like total meets cluster meets f**k."
Kimmel didn't forget to mention CBS, saying, "Just to give you a sense of how disastrously things went for CBS, they almost didn't beat us this year. But they are sticking to what they do best. They are adding another 'CSI' called 'Cyber'. I guess there is still an audience for this. I just don't know. People who watch CBS are like Sasquatch; I've heard reports that they exist, but I've never actually seen one."