Scoundrels Episode 1.01 And Jill Came Tumbling After

Officer Potts here, reporting the arrest and conviction of one, Wolfgang "Wolf" West, on the count of Grand Larceny. He's currently incarcerated, once again proving that crime doesn't pay, not even a dime. (That's coming from a guy who collects his paycheck from the state.) Sergeant Mack, my boss, mentor and the best darn cop Palm Springs has ever known, used his stellar detective skills to prove that Mr. West heisted a truck full of lobsters en route to the local casino. Did Wolf deserve the five years the judge gave him? Doesn't matter, he got'em. On that point, the best way to stay out of jail is to NOT commit a crime. The law is real clear that way and it's my job to uphold it.

Now that Wolf is in for a longer stretch, Cheryl's got to wrangle her four delinquent children alone; which is about as easy as dusting for fingerprints in the middle of the desert. First, you got Cal. When he was young, everyone always said he was a good kid and that he'd grow out of his bad boy phase. Wrong. Wrong. I knew he was a lost cause the first time we picked up that snot-nosed teenage punk. Today, Cal works along side his father in the family "business." I've served that loser so many warrants over the years he should be tipping me. We know Cal robbed the Hong house, but what pissed me off something awful was that the Hong's changed their story and Cal skipped off scot-free. I wanted to arrest that little brat so bad I... but I digress.

As for their oldest daughter Heather, she's an angel. That's off the record, ‘cause officially I hate all the West's. Unofficially, I'm pretty sure she smiled at me once. I have it on good authority, (don't ask me to betray my sources because that's a trust that can't be violated) that Heather owed money to a sleazy photographer who was holding a bunch of racy pictures he took of her. I bet she looked like a perfect little angel wearing nothing but pink underwear. That tool tried to drug her, but Heather was too smart and tied him up instead. She left with her dignity and her photos. I'd let her tie me up. It might even feel good if she used soft cloth and didn't tie the knots too tight.

Then there is the younger girl, the one that's always typing on her computer and fancies herself some kind of moviemaker. What's her name? Um... Hope. That one has a bad attitude. She's always making fun of us, using big words that no one understands. But, you know what? We're smarter than she gives us credit for. That little twerp has no idea that we know she hasn't been to school in months. I really don't care ‘cause truancy's not a crime we're gonna investigate. It's best dealt with between the family and the school system, but blackmail is another matter. We can't know for sure, but we have reason to believe that Hope's been blackmailing Vice-Principal Bottoms with photos of her sleeping with Cal's twin brother Logan when he was only seventeen. Older women aren't my thing, the whole Cougar phenomenon passed me by, but good for him.

Logan's the odd man out of this family. He was admitted to the California State Bar the very same day his father was put behind them. Even though he's a lawyer, I don't trust him any further than I can throw him and that's pretty far; I placed three years straight in high school Shot-Put.

As for Cheryl, what a job it must be corralling that wild bunch. According to her though, things are changing in the West family. Mack stopped by Logan's party, cops can do that to criminals, and Cheryl told him the West family plans to go straight. Good luck with that. Thing is, it might be true. My C.I., that's Criminal Informant for the rest of you, tells me that Cal is working over at the Hong's house to pay off the heirloom he smashed and that Hope is attending school. Last, but certainly not least, Heather is working at Rusty's flipping burgers. I've had more than my share of double cheeseburgers and red meat tends to irritate my bowels, but she's worth it. Someday, I'm going to save her. Scratch that, that's private info.

Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up with a fun fact - after they are released, sixty-two percent of criminals are back to their old ways within a week and behind bars again in less than a month. It's called recidivism. Look it up. And it's going to hit the West's like a tornado wrapped in a tsunami surrounded by a giant tidal wave. When they slip up again, and they will, the full force of the Palm Springs police department will come down on them hard. Like an old man after a little blue pill hard.