Another friend says he last talked to the late singer on December 1 during which the SHINee member said he said 'he felt like he wasn't living up to the expectations.'
- Dec 19, 2017
AceShowbiz - Jonghyun's best friend, Dear Cloud's Nine9, has revealed his final letter in which he revealed his struggles with depression. Nine9 said that she shared the letter because it was the SHINee member's request if he was gone from the world and she had discussed it with his family before uploading the letter.
Nine9 wrote before sharing the letter, "I just came back from saying a final goodbye to Jonghyun. Even as I look at him smiling in his funeral portrait, I still feel like Jonghyun is going to come back and smile, as if all of this was just a dream."
"Recently, Jonghyun did talk to me about some dark and deep thoughts. It seemed like everyday must have been really difficult. I started to get an uneasy feeling, so I told his family and tried my best to hold on to his mind, but in the end, I only delayed the timing, I could not stop it," she continued.
Expressing her deep sorrow, she said, "It's still so hard for me to believe that he isn't here in the world, and it's so painful. Even now, it makes me scared because I'm not sure if posting this is right, but Jonghyun personally requested that if he ever disappeared from this world that I would personally post this no matter what."
"I had hoped that this day would never come...after discussing it with his family and according to his last wish, I'm posting his final message. I think there's definitely a reason why he entrusted it to me. I'm also worried that it will start a controversy. However, I decided this because I think that even still, Jonghyun anticipated that and asked me. And this is the last thing I can do for him," she added.
"At least now I hope that people will know that Jonghyun was not the only one. And that he did well...that he did really well...please tell him that you're thankful that he endured it well. Beautiful Jonghyun, I really love you. I will continue to love you a lot as time goes on. I hope and pray that in that place, you won't be in pain and that you'll be in peace..."
Below is Jonghyun's full letter:
I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn't win over it.
Another friend revealed his last conversation with Jonghyun to media outlet Dispatch. The friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, said he last talked to the late singer on December 1. The friend stated, "I met him on the 1st (of December). He said he's still having a hard time, but I didn't think it would end like this."
The friend claimed that the root of Jonghyun's struggle was music. "He said he felt like he wasn't living up to the expectations. He wanted to do better but felt like he was lacking talent. He was struggling, saying that he's getting bumped down as he gets older," the friend explained.
The friend went on sharing, "He didn't have any issues in his personal life. His relationship with his mom and sister were great. All Jonghyun had was music but he blamed himself often, saying he lacks talent."
"Even if he has a lot of friends, it's overwhelming to talk about such concerns. He often opened up to me. He talked about death in early December. I believed he'd overcome it," the friend added, "He wasn't able to sleep without sleeping pills. He often drifted to sleep while talking on the phone all night. He was holding on well... I didn't know that would become our last conversation."
The friend also said, "It felt like he was just (barely) hanging on day by day. I hoped he would hang on until the end but now I just hope he lets go of all his concerns and rests comfortably."
As reported before, Jonghyun was found unconscious in a residential hotel on December 18 and was rushed to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was 27. Police believe he died from inhaling toxic fumes as they found coal briquettes burnt on a frying pan upon arriving at the place. His family has decided not to perform autopsy.
In a final text message he sent to his sister, the idol reportedly wrote, "It's been hard. Let me go. Tell me I've worked hard. This is my farewell."
Following his sudden passing, his groupmate Key, who had been overseas because of works, is immediately returning to Korea. Key, Onew, Minho and Taemin have been listed as head mourners along with his family at his wake, which is taking place at the Seoul Asan Hospital.
— SMTOWN GLOBAL (@SMTOWNGLOBAL) December 19, 2017