Jonghyun's Final Letter Is Unveiled by His Friend, Reveals His Struggles With Depression
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Another friend says he last talked to the late singer on December 1 during which the SHINee member said he said 'he felt like he wasn't living up to the expectations.'

AceShowbiz - Jonghyun's best friend, Dear Cloud's Nine9, has revealed his final letter in which he revealed his struggles with depression. Nine9 said that she shared the letter because it was the SHINee member's request if he was gone from the world and she had discussed it with his family before uploading the letter.

Nine9 wrote before sharing the letter, "I just came back from saying a final goodbye to Jonghyun. Even as I look at him smiling in his funeral portrait, I still feel like Jonghyun is going to come back and smile, as if all of this was just a dream."

"Recently, Jonghyun did talk to me about some dark and deep thoughts. It seemed like everyday must have been really difficult. I started to get an uneasy feeling, so I told his family and tried my best to hold on to his mind, but in the end, I only delayed the timing, I could not stop it," she continued.

Expressing her deep sorrow, she said, "It's still so hard for me to believe that he isn't here in the world, and it's so painful. Even now, it makes me scared because I'm not sure if posting this is right, but Jonghyun personally requested that if he ever disappeared from this world that I would personally post this no matter what."

"I had hoped that this day would never come...after discussing it with his family and according to his last wish, I'm posting his final message. I think there's definitely a reason why he entrusted it to me. I'm also worried that it will start a controversy. However, I decided this because I think that even still, Jonghyun anticipated that and asked me. And this is the last thing I can do for him," she added.

"At least now I hope that people will know that Jonghyun was not the only one. And that he did well...that he did really well...please tell him that you're thankful that he endured it well. Beautiful Jonghyun, I really love you. I will continue to love you a lot as time goes on. I hope and pray that in that place, you won't be in pain and that you'll be in peace..."

Below is Jonghyun's full letter:

I am damaged from the inside. The depression that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I couldn't win over it. I hated myself. I tried to hold on to breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer. If I can't clear my breath, it's better to stop. I asked myself who can take care of myself. It's only me. I was alone. It's easy to say I'll end things. It's hard to end things. I lived all this time because of that difficulty. They said I wanted to run away. That's true. I wanted to run away. From me. From you. I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me. And it was me again. I asked why I kept losing my memories. They said it was because of my personality. I see. It was my fault in the end. I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met me, so of course they don't know I exist. I asked why people live. Just. Just. People just live. If I ask why people die, I guess they'd say they were tired. I suffered and I worried. I never learned how to turn my pain into happiness. Pain is just pain. They told me not to be like that. Why? I can't even end things the way I want? They told me to figure out why I was hurting. I know very well why. I'm hurting because of me. It's all my fault and because I'm bad. Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No, I didn't do anything wrong. When the doctor blamed my personality with a quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor. It's amazing how much I'm hurting. People who are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out of everyone alive, there's no one hurting more than I am and there's no one weaker than I am. But they said I should live. I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for you. I wanted to be for me. Don't say things that don't make sense. Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story? I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win over don't end in scars. It wasn't my place to clash with the world. It wasn't my life to be known to the world. They said that was why I was hurting more. Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did I choose this? That's funny. It's a miracle I lasted this far. What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard. That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard. Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame me. I worked hard. I really did work hard. Good bye.

Another friend revealed his last conversation with Jonghyun to media outlet Dispatch. The friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, said he last talked to the late singer on December 1. The friend stated, "I met him on the 1st (of December). He said he's still having a hard time, but I didn't think it would end like this."

The friend claimed that the root of Jonghyun's struggle was music. "He said he felt like he wasn't living up to the expectations. He wanted to do better but felt like he was lacking talent. He was struggling, saying that he's getting bumped down as he gets older," the friend explained.

The friend went on sharing, "He didn't have any issues in his personal life. His relationship with his mom and sister were great. All Jonghyun had was music but he blamed himself often, saying he lacks talent."

"Even if he has a lot of friends, it's overwhelming to talk about such concerns. He often opened up to me. He talked about death in early December. I believed he'd overcome it," the friend added, "He wasn't able to sleep without sleeping pills. He often drifted to sleep while talking on the phone all night. He was holding on well... I didn't know that would become our last conversation."

The friend also said, "It felt like he was just (barely) hanging on day by day. I hoped he would hang on until the end but now I just hope he lets go of all his concerns and rests comfortably."

As reported before, Jonghyun was found unconscious in a residential hotel on December 18 and was rushed to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. He was 27. Police believe he died from inhaling toxic fumes as they found coal briquettes burnt on a frying pan upon arriving at the place. His family has decided not to perform autopsy.

In a final text message he sent to his sister, the idol reportedly wrote, "It's been hard. Let me go. Tell me I've worked hard. This is my farewell."

Following his sudden passing, his groupmate Key, who had been overseas because of works, is immediately returning to Korea. Key, Onew, Minho and Taemin have been listed as head mourners along with his family at his wake, which is taking place at the Seoul Asan Hospital.

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