A groom named Ted chokes up while saying his wedding vows to Nicole. He passes out on the ground.
House passes Cuddy as he enters the lobby of PPH. One of her PA's just quit and she has to find a new one. House tells her that he was so drunk, he woke up in his neighbor's kid's bed. Cuddy asks him to work in the clinic, but Chase has a new case for House.
As Taub attends to Ted in the ER, he lets House know that the symptoms are syncope and Aphasia, where the patient has trouble with speech. House sticks a needle in Ted's backside, and Ted lets out a howl. He now "has" his voice back, and the mystery is solved. With no case for the team, House exits the ER. Taub catches up to him because he doesn't think that Ted was faking. House doesn't believe that Taub called off his open marriage. Taub insists he did, and he asks House out to dinner because he needs some space from his wife. House will go only if Taub's wife comes along.
A dismissed Ted is outside of the hospital when he starts to cough and turn blue. Foreman, Taub, Thirteen and Chase study the x-rays. Foreman sees Pleural effusion in Ted's lung. House says to rule out infection, cancer and check his blood pressure. He orders Taub and Thirteen to search Ted's home.
Taub and Thirteen break into Ted's former residence. They notice the old ceiling tiles that could contain asbestos. Cotter, who now lives there, finds them there and threatens to call the police. They ask if he knows Ted, and Cotter calls Ted his "ex-boyfriend" of three years.
Back at the hospital, Ted denies that he is gay. He has tested positive for mononucleosis and the team wants to test him for HIV. He claims that he was being stupid and was drunk. He has turned his life around to be straight.
As Taub, Chase and Thirteen run the HIV test, they discuss the patient. Thirteen objects to Ted's lying about his sexual orientation to Nicole and to himself. The HIV test results are negative. Thirteen discovers that Ted underwent three weeks of conversion therapy rehabilitation from being gay. He was injected with emetics and male hormones, and had been treated with electro convulsive therapy. House calls for an EEG on Ted's brain.
Taub arrives at the restaurant that night and tells House that he is alone because his wife is taking a ceramics class. Yet House had sent her a text message posing as Taub, and she arrives at their table. Taub admits that House is correct in assessing that he is not being faithful to his wife. House excuses himself, telling Mrs. Taub that her husband is taking a ceramics class on Friday nights.
Nicole inquires about the EEG and she suggests that Thirteen ask Ted about his head trauma. Foreman studies the EEG readout and everything appears normal, but the beta waves are spiking. Ted suffers a heart attack. The team discusses the cause. Foreman wants to perform an angio test. Thirteen invites House to join her at a lesbian bar later.
House pays a visit to Wilson. He paid the team money to take House off his hands while he dates his ex-wife.
Nicole asks Ted about his head trauma. When the doctors arrive to prep him for the angio, Ted passes out. When Ted sits up, he falls back down, unconscious. House diagnoses this as POTS - Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia, where blood pressure is normal while lying down. Cotter visits Ted and meets Nicole. She notices his affection towards Ted. It is more than buddies.
House reminds Taub that he will have to find a patriotic piece of pottery to keep up with the ceramics class he isn't taking. Later, House and Thirteen are out at the bar. Taub and Chase call to report that Ted does not seem to have POTS. House thinks that they made Ted's headaches worse by a leak in the spinal tap site. He could be suffering from Intracranial hypotension. With POTS eliminated, something is acting like a stroke. House instructs them to have Cotter come to the hospital and meet with Ted and Nicole about their health.
Taub got into a bidding war online with someone over ceramic patriotic napkin rings. That someone was House.
Nicole confesses that Ted has some erectile dysfunction with her. It could be vascular, and arterial disease may be the source. Ted would rather undergo an uncomfortable test than have to choose between the male and female porn that Thirteen offers him.
Chase extends an invite to House for drinks with Foreman. Chase is onstage at a karaoke bar, with Foreman and House as his back-up singers.
The vascular test is normal. Thirteen notices liquid on Ted's chest that could be sweat. Upon further inspection, she sees that Ted is lactating from his nipples like a female. The team looks at the vial of breast milk around the table. House grabs it and pours it into his coffee cup. The team is repulsed as they wait for House to take a sip. The hormones Ted was given in therapy could have damaged his thyroid gland.
House attends to Ted and gently lifts his head from his neck. House tells him that he has a Chiari Malformation, which is a congenital narrowing in the base of the skull that can cut off CSF flow. The shock treatment swelled his head and plugged the opening. The brain pressing the pituitary gland caused the lactation. It can be corrected with surgery.
Cotter visits Ted again, and Ted rejects him. Nicole arrives and is surprised to see Cotter and the sadness in Ted's face. Nicole breaks up with him despite his pleas.
Taub tells House that he really has called off his dalliances. House gives him the ceramic napkin rings. Taub thanks House, not for ruining his marriage, but for saving it.
Cuddy stops by House's office to ask him to go out to dinner. She wants to be friends with him. He says that is the last thing he wants from her. She exits, and House pours himself a stiff drink to take away the pain.