AceShowbiz - Ant Anstead has opened up more about his divorce from Christina El Moussa. More than three months after he and his wife of less than two years called it quits, the HGTV personality made the claim that their split was not his decision.
"I think everybody knows this was not my decision. It really hit me hard," the 41-year-old revealed in an interview with PEOPLE. "If you ask anybody that knows me properly, they know that I give myself fully. I had so much love for her."
Ant admitted that he was in a "very dark place" since the split. He further explained, "But I reached this turning point where I was either going to dwell in the darkness or I was just going to slap myself around the face a few times and say, 'Wake up; you're incredibly blessed. Focus on all the great things.' "
During the interview, Ant additionally confessed that he registered for a 35-day online "breakup recovery" course as well as a three-day faith-based retreat. He divulged that the two programs helped him acknowledge that "nobody controls me but me. It's up to me to empower myself and realize how incredibly worthy I am of healing."
On how he spent his time since the divorce, Ant spilled that he began his morning by talking to Amelie and Archie, his kids from a previous relationship who lives in the United Kingdom. He also bonded with his 16-month-old son Hudson, whom he shared with Christina.
The "Wheeler Dealers" host credited his youngest child for helping him getting through the tough time. "This process without him would've been incredibly difficult," he said. "He's filled my heart. He really saved me."
When speaking about moving on, the father of three stated, "It really is a process." He went on to elaborate, "And the thing about healing is sometimes you feel like you're making daily progress, and then, from nowhere, your legs get taken out, and you feel like you start again. But I'm certainly making steps towards healing, even if it's really slow."
In September, Ant already gave a hint that the divorce was indeed Christina's decision. Days after his estranged wife announced their split, he shared an Instagram picture of the two and noted, "Anyone who really knows me knows that I don't like to share private matters publicly. I have remained silent while holding on to hope. I never gave up on us. I pray Christina's decision brings her happiness."