Troy and Abed have an issue; they are both infatuated with the hot librarian. And since they both saw her at the same time, neither had a chance to call dibs. Unfortunately Jeff is no help in the situation; he doesn't believe in calling dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or friends for that matter. Britta arrives at the study room after parting with a girl named Paige, proudly announcing that Paige is a lesbian. Britta makes it obnoxiously clear that she has absolutely no issues hanging out with someone who's gay.
Britta's new friend takes the backseat to bigger news; Pierce is popping painkillers like candy, and denies having any sort of problem even though his head is always in the clouds. Jeff comes to Pierce's defense; he's recovering from two broken legs and everyone just needs to leave him alone. The gang disagrees and it's decided that an intervention needs to happen. A fight erupts and Jeff declares that he can't handle the demanding nature of their friendship. He storms out of the study room.
Jeff runs into Professor Duncan in the hallway. Duncan invites him to watch a soccer game, and starts to explain who's playing until Jeff stops him; he's a stylish American and has forced himself into watching soccer since 2004. He says that he promised to spend Valentine's Day at the Greendale Valentine's Day Dance with the study group. Professor Duncan ignores this, and insists that he and Jeff watch the game instead. Chang overhears their plans and smiles menacingly. Meanwhile, Pierce is having one-on-one time with his medication. We learn the nature of Pierce's problem when he carries on a conversation with a tiny man in a pilot outfit; hallucinating while under the influence of prescription drugs.
Abed and Troy decide to confront their dilemma head-on and introduce themselves to the librarian, explaining the nature of their situation. They both want to take her to the dance, but are best friends and hope to avoid jeopardizing their relationship by being completely honest with her. When they ask her to choose, she says that though she is flattered, she doesn't know either of them and is unable to make an educated decision. Troy and Abed switch tactics; she will have the opportunity to get to know them at the dance and then decide on whom she would like to see again.
Annie questions Britta about what it's like being friends with a lesbian. Britta, feeling superior, tells Annie that asking questions like that make her seem homophobic. When Paige comes over to talk to Britta, Annie catches up with Paige's friend and learns that Paige actually isn't a lesbian; she's just hanging out with Britta because it makes her feel cool to have a lesbian friend. Apparently, both girls are under the impression that the other is a lesbian while actually they are both straight. Britta comes back over to a shocked Annie and confidently reveals that she's going to the dance with Paige.
Professor Duncan and Jeff are watching soccer at Jeff's apartment. Jeff anxiously checks his phone for calls from the study group before turning it off after Professor Duncan's snide remarks about his dependence on it. Shortly after, an excited Chang shows up at the door and the two begrudgingly let him in. Chang quickly makes himself at home and uses Jeff's phone to "order a pizza," while he actually calls Starburns to tell him to spread the word about a party at Jeff's place.
Meanwhile, at the dance, Troy and Abed show off their assets to in an attempt to win over the librarian's affections. The librarian chooses Troy, at which Abed courteously accepts her decision and backs off. While Troy dances with the librarian, he asks what was wrong with Abed, hurt on Abed's behalf. She says that she'd love to be his friend, but implies that he doesn't really do it for her romantically. Troy is enraged that someone could say something unfavorable about his best friend and storms out. He later finds Abed and explains that there's someone out there for them, it's just definitely not the librarian. They embrace.
Pierce has a great time at the dance hanging out with the tiny pilot man he sees when he takes his painkillers. The little pilot man makes an ultimatum; Pierce needs to choose between him or the study group. Later, a drugged-out Pierce is passed out on a park bench.
Britta and Paige, both still thinking that the other is a lesbian, bust a move on the dance floor to give the onlookers something to talk about. When Pierce yells "lesbians" at them they decide to prove a point, and share an awkward kiss on the middle of the dance floor. Paige says she's never done this before, to which Britta says she hasn't either. They simultaneously realize what's going on and become furious. Really they're just embarrassed that they both had the same intentions.
The party shows up at Jeff's place. Though he's less than pleased with Chang, Jeff quickly warms up to the situation and appears to be having a good time. That is, until he finds Chang doing laundry in his washing machine. He finds out that Chang is homeless; his wife kicked him out when she found out that he slept with Shirley. It turns out he orchestrated the entire party just to weasel his way into staying at Jeff's. Jeff kicks Chang to the curb and shuts down the party. He later finds Chang sleeping in the garbage chute and brings him back to the apartment for the night.
Jeff admits to Professor Duncan that he actually had fun at the party until things spiraled out of control. Professor Duncan tells Jeff that it's time for him to embrace Greendale, and to be thankful for the friends he has. At this, Jeff tries to demonstrate how annoying the study group can be by turning on his phone to hear all the voicemails they must have left him during the party. But, to his surprise, there are none. He sends out a mass text to the six, telling them he's sorry and understands that relationships take work, and that he loves them all. He closes by saying that the group needs to sit down with Pierce on Monday to discuss his drug problem.