Scoundrels Episode 1.05 Yes, Sir, Yes, Sir, Three Bags Full

Officer Potts here, and I'd like to just say, on the record, that I am not a creep. The flowers I sent Heather West were purely a gesture of love. The song I wrote for her, well, I never got a chance to sing it. The panties I stole were maybe a bit inappropriate. She just looked so darn good up on stage at the Sparkle Club. Dancing. On the pole. Topless. Her big, beautiful, perfectly shaped, bouncy... um... elbows, they're breathtaking. Typically I wouldn't go for such an uninhibited girl, but she's just trying to make some money to help the family. Totally admirable.

In other news, I've got a bit of a mystery on my hands. The other day I was at Palm Canyon Video renting a copy of Pee Wee's Big Adventure when I noticed something strange. First, I should explain that I was renting that because my cousin and I had a heated debate about the color of Pee Wee's bike. It's red. I was right. My cousin cried, but she's only 9 so she can get away with that still.

Anyway, at the video store I noticed a big burn mark on one of the back walls. My experience as a detective leads me to suspect arson, but when I asked that snarky little Hope West about it, she said it was just an electrical fire. I told her I wanted to speak with the manager and she said "no." Point blank, to my face. No respect, that little one. Does she even work there? I busted a guy on the street trying to sell illegal DVDs of random Asian films; something about it just made my nose hair stand on end. That only happens when I catch a whiff of the Wests. And I did notice that Hope was handling a DVD burner. Could it be that the smartest of the West clan has teamed up with an Asian crime ring? This could get dangerous.

Phone taps confirm that Cal West has been in contact with Sparky, a local tweaker with a flare for fire. During my routine screening of the prison security cams I saw that Cal visited Wolf not too long before the burned wall at the video store. Coincidence? Maybe. I didn't used to believe in coincidences until this one time I missed a call from Mack because I have my favorite Black Eyed Peas song as my ringtone and my phone rang at the exact same time that it was playing on the radio. I remain unconvinced that there was not a higher power at play.

Cheryl got a job delivering junk mail. I know this because, as I was driving home from my spin class, I saw her with her little red wagon full of mail being chased by a neighborhood dog. I laughed so hard that my chocolate milk came out my nose. Have you ever done that? It's awfully painful, but then everything smells yummy the rest of the day.

Cheryl's having a hard time finding a better job because she's got that arrest on her record from when the Big Foods manager framed her. The way I see it, she'll get arrested sooner or later so might as well just keep it on her record. Fortunately for her, Sergeant Mack was feeling charitable and expunged the arrest from her record. Maybe it's because he's a nice guy, or maybe it's because Cheryl threatened to file a complaint about my affections for Heather and thus, ruin my career. Probably a little of both.

Meanwhile, I caught wind of news that Mrs. Hong, the young, pretty wife of Mr. Hong, had to be fished out of a pond when her car mysteriously rolled down a hill while she was stuck in the back seat with a paralyzed back. But she maintains it was an accident. Riiiiiiight. If I was a betting man, I'd bet my nickel that they were "doing the deed" in the back of the car. Heathens.

Then there's that Logan. I don't know much about what he's up to, but apparently he was at Mr. Hong's place of residence late at night with a box and wearing a bad Bon Jovi wig. Was he trying to look like a slightly less homeless version of Cal? Later he somehow ended up going for a midnight swim with Patty Hong, if you know what I mean. And if you don't, sex is what I mean. I only know this because Yan, Mr. Hong's bodyguard, and I occasionally get together and play tetherball.

That's it for the unsolved mysteries I have right now, but something in my bones tells me they all trace back to the Wests. The Sergeant seems to be on oddly good terms with that Cheryl; he even said she could use him as a job reference. Normally I would be worried that he's gone to the dark side, but I suppose he is the only thing keeping them from filing a restraining order against me, so I'll play along. Cheryl was awfully ticked off at me, but she wants a clean record and so do I. I'm still watching those Wests, believe you me, but I'll now be watching Heather from a little bit further away.

In the midst of a serious financial crisis, the Wests realize they must find legitimate jobs as soon as possible.