It's that time of the week again. The 13 couples take on the quickstep and salsa to tack on more points before the first elimination. It sounds simple, but it's not Dancing with the Stars without some type of complication. One star was injured, but is definitely not out yet.
Hey, y'all. Welcome back. I hope Maks didn't rile you up too much. I guess they've done away with the title intros this season, or maybe it's just because of the special circumstances these past two weeks. They're doing the stair intros again and Steve-O is conspicuously missing. But Lacey's all costumed up, so what does it all mean? Tom says Steve-O, who's already nursing pinched nerves and spasms in his back, was injured earlier in the afternoon and they'll tell us what's up with his dance later. But first, the healthy folks! Tom reminds us the new scores will be added to last week's scores for a total out of 60.
Holly Madison & Dmitry Chaplin: Quickstep
Holly's going for "Most Improved" this week, not to mention "Most Inquisitive." She plays 20 Questions with Dmitry so they can get to know each other better. He likes to stay up late, but Holly likes to go to bed early. Guess Hef has an early bedtime? Looking dashing in purple, Holly flubs from the start, getting her feet caught in some rapid-fire movement. Her chest is very... protruded and this is not very... quick. She clearly needs more practice time. Dmitry looks like he's dragging her around. Len criticizes her upper body posture. "Your bust is forward." Bruno says she's running for the bus. Carrie Ann appreciates her eagerness and says Dmitry's dragging her around like Marie - er - a doll.
Score: 18 (this week) + 18 (last week) = 36
David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson: Salsa
DAG (who does a killer and equally incoherent Bruno) says it's time to show more of what Davey G. is all about. This salsa is gonna step it up three step levels. Except it doesn't. First off, what bird did Kym kill for that lining? Davey G.'s in character this week, but not really in step. Granted, I've never danced a salsa before, but where's the hip action? Do you need a new one, DAG? You're not that old, are ya? Bruno says character is on point, but hip needs work. There ya go! Carrie Ann says he's not driven from the musicality. Is this the first time "musicality" has been mentioned this season? Someone keep track. Len says too much Kym, too little David. "All sizzle and no sausage." No comment.
Score: 17 + 19 = 36
Tom reminds us Steve-O's not there and says that the salsa has sent him to the hospital, but offers no more details. It's torture, I tell ya. Torture.
Denise Richards & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Quickstep
Denise doesn't like being bent backwards. Again, no comment. There's no crying this time, so Denise has grown some balls, right? Maks told me their quickstep is much better than their cha-cha and that it was. Now this is a quickstep, Hol. It's fast and dynamic, and Denise is not rushing through this like she did with the cha-cha. Apparently there was a stumble in the middle, but my layman's eyes didn't catch it. Or maybe I was just typing. Carrie Ann says it's fantastic and elegant except for the slight misstep. Len says she's "much improved." Bruno likes to see her grab her toes? I think that's what he said. Whatever. They all liked it.
Score: 21 + 18 = 39
Belinda Carlisle & Jonathan Roberts: Salsa
Belinda's hurt by being likened to Cloris. Hrmph. I dunno if I would be. Would you? Maybe the Oscar is blindsiding me. Jonathan wants to inject more personality into their salsa, which Belinda told me she was very excited about. She starts off on the chair and shimmy-shimmies her assets. And then smacks them! Hey now! She ends with a handstand and almost doing No. 17 - the spread eagle (Chicago reference). I give her credit for doing all that, but it looked kind of awkward. Len says she needs more hip, but the performance was there. Bruno likes to see her shake it. Oh, I bet you do. He says she needs to be sharper with her hip action and proceeds to demonstrate. I need some brain bleach. Carrie Ann says it's lacking in grace and her legs were apart too much. CA wants you to keep your legs closed, y'all!
Score: 18 + 17 = 35
Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower: Quickstep
Ty says his cha-cha was really a "cha" and now it's time for redemption. Chelsie's trying to change his "concentration face" into a quasi-creepy smiley face. Did they just completely miss their high-five?! I don't find this as quick as Denise and Maks', but they're way more in step than Holly and Dmitry were. Being stiff (no pun intended) is paying Ty off since the quickstep is all about the posture and the cowboy ain't budgin'. Ty's creepy concentration face is in full effect, too. Jewel doesn't bother with the standing O. Carrie Ann's "so, so" proud of him and his hold on Chelsie. Bruno says he was ridin' the quickstep. Len calls it an "absolute metamorphosis." And then Samantha basically tells them they may be in the bottom two tomorrow. Know when not to talk, Sam. Thanks.
Score: 20 + 14 = 34
Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas: Salsa
The "rigid and powerful" Shawn is too worried about shaking her booty, forcing Mark to become a woman. With the steps, that is. If Lil Kim is "Black Barbie," Mark is Ken, or more like the Ken doll. Wax enough, Mark? The salsa's fun, flirty with lots o' sharp booty shakin'. Not much hip though. Taking advantage of Shawn's flexibility, they cap it off with two splits. If you've got it, flaunt it. Bruno says it was charming and precise, but she must work on the naughtiness. She's 17, Tom reminds him. Len agrees on the precision and wants her to not follow the book so much in the Latin dances. Carrie Ann echoes the sentiments and points out her ability to focus.
Score: 24 + 23 = 47
Steve Wozniak & Karina Smirnoff: Quickstep
Woz loves the quickstep! But he has a "special pain" in his left foot, which turns out to be a fracture... but his doc wants him to keep dancing. The boa's back! At least we know props aren't going to waste. The quickstep is positively adorable, if admittedly not technically proficient. Did they purposely have him follow Shawn? Watching Woz is like watching a wide-eyed toddler who hasn't quite mastered motor skills yet. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Kathy Griffin's here! Len appreciates the entertainment value. Carrie Ann says he's a trooper. Bruno says he's Wall-E and he totally is! I'll be your Eve! (Don't judge me!)
Score: 17 + 13 = 30
Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough: Salsa
Chuck feels awkward doing the salsa in front of his girlfriend. How long have you been together? He doesn't like to do girly moves and has no frame of reference. "Have you not seen Derek move his hips?" she asks. And so he's now ready to shake his hips like Derek. Julianne's wearing a Koosh ball. No, seriously, she is. This dance is atrocious. That's all that needs to be said. It's basically a showcase for Koosh ball Julianne. Did Chuck do anything? He's still afraid of being "girly," I take it. How many times can he stand there waiting for her to spin into his arms? I got at least four and I have no inclination to re-watch that, so feel free to let me know the grand total. Bruno says it was a wasted opportunity for him to show off his chops. Len doesn't want him to be embarrassed and wants him to come out and perform it. Carrie Ann says that wasn't a salsa. After all that caviling, the lovebirds walk away with a 20. Whaa?!
Score: 20 + 20 = 40
Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska: Quickstep
Can LT get over his self-consciousness? It seems like he did. He's a lot more fluid and graceful this time around and he doesn't seem inhibited by anything like he did last week. He spins (sorry, I don't know these terms) Edyta - who's wearing some version of Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar dress - on the floor and I'm already thinking about the lift violation calls that may come. But alas, there will be none. Carrie Ann says it was smooth and powerful. Bruno gives him a way to go. Len likes the difficulty of the routine and gives him a well done.
score: 20 + 16 = 36
Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer: Salsa
During dress rehearsal, Steve-O landed on his mic pack, which exacerbated his back injury from last week, Tom tells us. He's not officially out yet, and so the Dancing rule book (seriously?) dictates that fans and the judges will grade his dress rehearsal. In the rehearsal footage, Steve-O says he wants to Jackass around and do the salsa Steve-O style, which in Lacey's mind means no salsa at all. It was fun and entertaining, but salsa it was not. Looks like "Rebel Lacey" is back! Seriously though, why can't these "pros" just teach the dance as is? Enough with "spicing" things up with flips and stuff, especially if that person A) may land on his mic pack and B) already has a bum back. Len acknowledges it's different performing in rehearsal than it is performance night, but it still sucked (my words, not his). Bruno says the salsa's missing. Carrie Ann agrees and hopes to see more of Steve-O. Backstage, Lacey says nothing's broken in Steve-O's back.
Score: 14 + 17 = 31
Lil Kim & Derek Hough: Quickstep
Kim's gotta be prim and proper, but she's nervous making the adjustment in rehearsal. The lady in red looks like she belongs in Dreamgirls and is prim and proper, alright. It's lovely and complicated - in a good way - nevermind the fact that it's kind of a hoot to see the Queen Bee pull off a genteel quickstep so wonderfully. Bruno says she does bling so well, but was a little bit too apart at times. Carrie Ann loves them together and finds Derek's choreography "fantastic" (I think we can all agree he is the best choreographer). Len begs to differ. There's no quality, he claims, and he wants more contact.
Score: 23 + 21 = 44
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani: Salsa
Melissa needs to lay off the spray tan and teeth whitener. Beware if you have HD. Tony needs to find some clothes not from the Amazon. But who cares about clothes when you've lucked out with a partner like Melissa? Dance experience or not, this girl can move. It's sultry, spicy and she shook her hips more times than I blinked in 90 seconds. That being said, I don't think it was worthy of two nines. It wasn't without flaws - she seemd a little off at times - and I think it's way too early for nines. Carrie Ann says it's slammin'. Len admits he was gyrating in his seat. Bruno calls it' "juicy." Ick. They're out of breath, so Samantha will let them take a "modiment." Is that like a modicum of a moment?
Score: 26 + 23 = 49
Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke: Quickstep
Last but not least, it's the man of the night - quite literally. Cheryl doesn't want Gilles to be sexy for the quickstep. It's not that easy to turn it off, girl. Gilles uses his separated shoulder as an excuse to take off his shirt. Smart, dude, smart. Green is my favorite color, so these two are automatically in my top 3. The green's kryptonite though, so what does it mean?! Not much. The quickstep starts off a bit slow, but definitely picks up in the middle. It's light, vivacious and ends with a striptease, sort of. Superman Gilles pulls a Cameron Mathison to reveal a Super G logo. Heh. Len says it's great. Bruno says there are sparks out there. Carrie Ann thinks they're becoming the fan favorite since the ladies are already swooning.
Score: 27 + 24 = 51