Scoundrels Episode 1.02 Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

On June 27th, 2010 at precisely 4:18pm, Lawrence Greenwood, manager of Big Foods and upstanding citizen of Palm Springs proper, reported $500 missing from the cash register of new employee, Cheryl West.

Cheryl West. She spent years fencing stolen goods in the family store. Not that we've ever been able to prove it, but she has, I know it, and she knows I know. Cheryl's built her life around things that do not belong to her. But this is the first time that Ms. West is accused of doing the dirty work herself.

Since Wolf West has been serving time, five years for heisting lobsters, burglaries have been down 15%. I patted Sergeant Mack on the back yesterday when he told me this. Then he told me that I don't have to literally pat him on the back when I am proud of a job well done. And that as my boss back-patting is really his job. Something I filed in the back of my mind for next time.

We arrested Cheryl, but that snooty Logan West used all his legalese on Sergeant Mack to get her out. I would never spy on my superior, but when it involves the West's, it involves Officer Potts.

Speaking of my superior, I've become the Robin to Sergeant Mack's Batman ever since his wife left him. I've been picking up his sandwich every day at noon on the dot. Not just because it's part of my job protecting the people of Palm Springs but because it gives me some spare time to swing by Rusty's Burger to check in on Heather. From afar she looks like a damsel in distress. Just as I was getting concerned enough to storm her fortress of misery, I saw a slick dude hand her a business card. She tossed her hairnet into the air and did what I have been wanting her to do since the first time I saw her flip a burger: she finally smiled.

Not that I was following her, but Heather had some kid taking photos of her. I think his name is Ted or Tad or something. Must be photos for her modeling portfolio. Heather's sister what's-her-name was there... waving a white card. Heather, as always, looked amazing. I know Heather doesn't know this, but I have a camera... and for three weeks I was in charge of taking mug shots. Plus, I heard her photos didn't even come out! I certainly could've done better than that.

My sources tell me Heather's sister - I just remembered her name - it's Hope - was blackmailing Vice Principal Valerie Bottoms with intimate photos of she and Logan West. However, the photos have been destroyed and now Ms. Bottoms and Logan can make their relationship public, a relationship that's been going on for so many years it's suspect, if not illegal. You are probably thinking what I am thinking - who cares? Well, I'll tell you who - me. A kid like Hope committing blackmail at such a tender age will lead to bigger things. Maybe this kid is sewing her wild oats, but maybe she's the next...you know...big, famous blackmailer or something.

Back to the crime at hand, after the $500 went "missing" from Cheryl West's cash register, not 48 hours later, a 14 ton truck of Velvet Touch Extra Soft Triple-Ply Quilted Toilet Paper also goes "missing." (I put missing in quotes to show I am using this new thing Sergeant Mack is teaching me about called sarcasm.) Mr. Greenwood, manager of Big Foods, goes to the barbershop where I get my 'stache trimmed. I heard Cheryl made a to-do when there was no toilet paper in the Big Foods ladies' room. Being the entitled hen that she is, Ms. West took some toilet paper right off the shelf, the same brand that went "missing." Then suddenly, Cheryl has $1500 to give away to "clear her name". (Please note my second use of sarcasm here.)

Being the crime-fighter that I am, I traced the $1500. Tracing money is like fitting together puzzle pieces, but the puzzle's so important the players get loaded firearms. Here goes: Cheryl gave $1500 to Mr. Hong for "information" on the T.P. Heist. Then Mr. Hong gave $1500 to his employee, Cal West.

How do I know this? A little birdie at the Desert Dive, a rathskeller of a watering hole for Cal West and people like him, saw Cal blowing his money on beers. That same little birdie overheard that Cal is having relations with Nina Hong, his boss's wife. Let me be clear - when I say little birdie, I actually mean my honest-to-goodness criminal informant. Don't get me wrong, on occasion I've stopped by the Dive after hours but when you're a cop, you could be called into action at any moment. It's kinda like being the only doctor who can deliver a baby or sew in a guy's heart within several hundred miles.

Anyway, the morning we raided the West's in search of the stolen toilet paper, I was so excited. We hadn't raided the West's house in days. It's not that I want to step foot in that den of iniquity, for all I know the place could be littered with landmines destined for yours truly. A good cop can never be too careful - it's called a set-up. I thoroughly searched every inch of that house for the stashed toilet paper. I found one roll of evidence, just a few steps from the reason I wanted to "pay a visit" to the West's - the fair, the tantalizing, Heather West. Of course she uses the softest toilet paper on her delicate skin. When Heather's beauty becomes evidence against her and her family, it makes a cop think about what's truly important - the truth.

The truth in this one particular instance is that Cheryl West is innocent. (Allegedly innocent in my book, but that's my book, not this book.) Mr. Greenwood discovered the $500 from Ms. West's cash register was an accounting error. The toilet paper was returned by a kid from the Native American Reservation - a kid we don't have the evidence to charge at this time but he's dug his own grave now that I am onto him. And just let me say off the record, there's been some chatter at the prison from Wolf West about toilet paper. I wouldn't be surprised if he was behind the Great Palm Springs T.P. Heist after all.

In conclusion, we didn't catch a West this week, but like an old lady's aching bones in the rain, my 'stache itches every time a West commits an illegal act. And either my upper lip is suffering from eczema or the West's are at it again.

This is Officer Potts. Over and out.