Small Town Security Episode 1.01 Joan Koplan's Forum

Inside the offices of JJK Security and Investigations, secretary Christa Stephens complains about having to clean the communal bathroom, insisting that the men either clean the seat or sit down. JJK co-owner Irwin "The Captain" Koplan admits that sometimes it's hard to steady himself but refuses to sit, whining "The water is too cold." P.I. and office manager Brian Taylor agrees: "It's like steeping a tea bag."

Irwin's wife, co-owner Joan "The Chief" Koplan, sits in the middle of the chaotic JJK offices as her Chihuahua, Lambchop, humps her leg then licks her on the mouth.

In the conference room, Dennis "The Lieutenant" Croft holds a training session for two new security guards. With dreams of making JJK Security an "elite force," Croft has his guards watch a VHS tape on "proper tactical communication."

When Irwin returns from a sales call and tries to hand mail to Joan, she tells him not to "act like an idiot" -- he'll disturb Lambchop, who's napping on her lap. Despite snapping at him, Joan admits Irwin is the backbone of the business. "Everybody likes him," she says, "It's me people don't like."

Irwin enters his office thereby revealing a monumental mess: piles and piles of boxes and papers. "But I know where 80 to 85 percent of everything I need is," he explains.

Back in the reception area, Joan wants dried fruit. (Lt. Croft brings it to her.) Joan wants a cigar. (Lt. Croft lights one and puts it in her mouth.) An exasperated Irwin notes, "Croft will do anything for Joan. Her wish is his command."

Joan talks about her brief career in entertainment. She started out as a teenage singer and later landed a role of a bikini-clad Amazon in a Spanish Tarzan pic. She laments, her acting career ended when she turned down a role (offered to her by Raquel Welch's husband) in Myra Breckinridge (1970), because she was worried about being typecast as a lesbian. Joan then became a cop, ran for county sheriff (she lost), and started her own talk show on local cable access station UCTV.

UCTV owner Judy O'Neill says she canceled Joan's show because of Joan's foul language, while Joan swears she quit because she wasn't even allowed to say "vagina" while interviewing a gynecologist. After Brian and Lt. Croft convince her to ask for her show back, Joan she heads to UCTV, where Judy agrees to renew it -- as long as Joan can "keep it clean."

Lt. Croft reveals he is living in a back room at JJK so he can be ready 24/7 for his "missions." He shares the story of how he entered the military, married a fellow officer, became "disillusioned with the government," moved to the wilderness, lived in a teepee, and had three kids. The family stockpiled for Y2K, but when the apocalypse was "a bust," they moved to Georgia, and Croft began working at JJK. He admits his "relationship with The Chief may have spurred the demise of my marriage."

At the Koplan house, Joan asks Lt. Croft to appear on her show because he's "controversial." He's hesitant, but agrees.

On the day of the show, Irwin surprises Joan with a limo to the studio. "This is wonderful," says a teary-eyed Joane.

On the show, Joan plays a clip from five years ago. In it, she interviews Denise Croft (Dennis when he was a woman) who admits she feels like a man trapped in a female body. After the clip ends, Joan turns to Lt. Croft to ask how he feels now. He responds, "I feel free."