Scoundrels Episode 1.06 Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Officer Potts here; it's been one heck of a busy week. Cheryl West got a new job... a "straight one." In reality she's working for an insurance company that I'm pretty sure is more crooked than her family. That's right, we, the royal "we" of the Palm Spring Police department, suspect illicit activity is going on at Silver Sentinel Insurance. Penny Priest, the branch manager, hand picked Cheryl West to work there. Penny is moving up the corporate ladder and needed to promote someone who she could trust. To do what? Perpetuate possible insurance scams? Scams that we believe include setting up all the lovely ladies at the company in automobiles way above their price range. The problem for us is that Penny is really good at falsifying paper work, and in the eyes of the law it's not a crime unless we can prove it. Penny figured she found a perfect protégé in the already established wrong-doer Cheryl West, and offered her the job. But Cheryl turned the job down! Holy heck and my dirty neck, maybe I'm wrong about her. Maybe Cheryl really is on the up and up. We can't be too sure though, Penny's car went missing. Hot-wired. How many people know how to do that?

Sergeant Mack remains all supportive of the Wests in their quest to be law-abiding citizens. Now, it's not like me to make disparaging remarks about my commanding officer, (look how well it worked out for General McCrystal) but I'm not on the whole "Go Wests!" bandwagon that the Sergeant seems to be riding.

According to our RAP sheet, it's Cheryl West's birthday. In my family, birthdays are a big deal and even if I don't like you I'm gonna wish you a Happy Birthday, but I'm not getting her a gift. Not even a card. My snitch on the inside told me that Wolf tried to get Cheryl to stop by the prison and get this; he made her a cake. He's one bad dude, but any man behind bars that bakes a cake for his sweetie must have at least a glimmer of love in his heart. It also must have cost him a dozen cases of cigarettes. Sugar doesn't come cheap on the inside. Things aren't looking good for his appeal. I hear Logan decided not to work the case because it conflicts with his job at the firm. This pissed Wolf off something awful and he told Logan never to visit again.

With the head of the Wests behind bars, you'd think the other prominent Palms Springs crime family, The Hongs, would pick up the slack, but the only news coming out of that house is that Mrs. Hong's got a bun in the oven. Mrs. Hong is overjoyed, but we all know that Mr. Hong is shooting blanks. It's Cal's baby, for sure. Not that I'd tell Mr. Hong that, he's crazy jealous. Cal should probably wear a cup around that house; a cup made out of titanium and Kevlar. Cal, who didn't use condoms (what a moron), tried to do the right thing and be a daddy to his baby. Usually I'm all for a man stepping up and taking responsibility for his actions, but in this case I believe that Mr. Hong and his millions of dollars will provide a better life for that child than Cal and his Kurt Cobain hairdo ever could. I was glad when Mrs. Hong and her step-daughter, two women who don't get along, buried the hatchet long enough to shut Cal down in his quest to corrupt that innocent child.

Talk about corrupting innocent children, Valerie Bottoms and Logan are 'out' as a couple and he doesn't seem to like it much. It's sorta like my girlfriend in high school who lived in another state. Most of the kids didn't believe she was real. But she was. Her name was Trudy. I bet Logan wished Hope still had those photos, 'cause he's got a few secrets of his own. That wiley coyote burns my bum because he's got Miss Bottoms "With the Awesome Top," but I know for a fact he's sleeping with Patty Hong. Talk about selfish; leave some for the rest of us. Not that I'm interested in Patty, I was never one for the Asian persuasion. And you know who else knows? Cal. He wasn't too happy his brother used his identity to slay that dragon.

Oh man, I can't believe I haven't mentioned the exploits of my sweet Heather. We've had our difficulties in the past, but she told me that I don't need to stay two hundred feet from her anymore. She thinks fifty is plenty. Her modeling career is really taking off, but what I'm about to recount gets my blood boiling. First, anyone that tries to get in the way of Heather's career should cease doing so immediately 'cause if I find you, your future will not only include pain, but also constant harassment from the Palm Springs Police Force. I'm talking about you, Chantelle Hazenby. This waste of space has been teasing Heather since they were little girls and in the Miss Coachella Valley pageant together. Poor eleven year-old Heather upchucked all over the stage. I remember hearing about this over at the high school. Chantelle called Heather "Ralph" for the next few years. Ralph? I don't even get it. Someone told me that there is a grainy video of the incident on YouTube. Chantelle bumped into Heather at an audition and Heather took this opportunity to reconnect with her. In the end though, had Chantelle really changed? No. Not one little bit. That strumpet talked a whole lot about helping Heather get the job, when the whole time Chantelle knew she'd already booked it. Chantelle's not even attractive; I'm never watching that lotto program again. One good thing about the Wests is their family loyalty. The young one... Charity, Faith... Hope. Her name is Hope. She got Chantelle back by switching her shampoo with some sort of hair removal salve. I hear Chantelle is as bald as those ping pong balls she turns every Thursday night.Well, that about wraps her up. As her last act with the insurance company, Cheryl wrangled an insurance claim check for her friend Kasey who is starting a business called, "Full Bloom." They make sexy undies for bigger broads. I know this because my mother has always been on the thicker side, due to a thyroid problem (not her fault, it's genetic), but over shrimp scampi at the Olive Garden she couldn't stop talking about what a "lovely" idea that company was. Cheryl's joining Kasey as a partner. I guess working for herself might be liberating to a woman in her position. As long as she doesn't 'liberate' anyone else's property illegally I say, "You go girl!"