'Writing this has been a scaffolding to help prop me up, a handrail as I take my first steps down this dark, lonely staircase,' she explains.
British actress Natascha McElhone has published excerpts from a diary she kept after the sudden death of her husband, crediting the notes with helping her cope with the tragic loss. The "Californication" star was filming in Los Angeles when her plastic surgeon partner Martin Kelly suffered a cardiac arrest in May, 2008, collapsing on the doorstep of the couple's London home.
McElhone, who was pregnant with the pair's third child at the time of Kelly's death, poured out her thoughts and feelings on paper in the subsequent months and she insists doing so helped her rebuild her life. Two years after the tragedy, McElhone has decided to share some of the writings in Britain's Sunday Times newspaper.
She explains, "Writing this has been a scaffolding to help prop me up, a handrail as I take my first steps down this dark, lonely staircase. Martin's death is the closest I have come to death myself. Coming back from that brings a new lease of life, a belief (however fleeting) that I must quickly share these experiences before they evaporate."
In one excerpt, McElhone describes giving birth to her son Rex in October 2009, writing to Kelly, "I've come into hospital to be induced... I'm willing this little soul to come out. I'm dying to meet him and hold him in my arms, give him big kisses from you wherever you are. I know you are with me, angel, around me, in me. Even though you're dead, these genes, these cells of yours are multiplying. You are still growing - you have flouted all the rules, oh how I love you for that!"
She later details events such as Halloween with their three kids, and tells Kelly all about their new baby: "He's here and perfect. I am so sorry you're missing this. Our little boy is utterly divine."