June 13, 2012 09:08:35 GMT
The 'Bethenny Ever After' star talks about the ordeal she has gone through her second pregnancy and wonders if it was her fault she lost the child.
Bethenny Frankel suffered a miscarriage while she was eight weeks pregnant with her second child, and she felt it was her fault. "Is it because I'm busy? My lifestyle? Is this my fault?" she questioned herself in a lengthy article on Glamour. "I blamed myself - of course I did."
During the pregnancy, "The Real Housewives of New York City" star said she had followed doctor's order and cut her work load. "Because my first pregnancy had been complicated, and because I was over 40, the doctor told me that I was 'high risk' and needed to take it easy. So I took it so easy. I had to," she explained.
She revealed what she had gone through the pregnancy, "I was still bleeding, and I was nauseated and uncomfortable - 'way worse than last time,' I said to Jason. I felt seven months pregnant even though I was six weeks along." She added, "And because we hadn't planned this, I felt unprepared, like we had so much to do to get ready for this baby. Still, I was excited, if cautiously so, with the words high risk ringing in my ears."
She and her husband Jason Hoppy tried to keep the pregnancy secret, and only told three people. "I told only my assistant and one exec at Skinnygirl - to explain why I couldn't fly to Australia for a promotion," she said, before adding that the third person was the decorator of their new apartment.
"We'd have a 'man den' with brown suede paint and dark carpet. When we found out I was pregnant, Jason and I decided to do the den pale, for the baby. But the decorator had ordered everything," she opened up. "So I told her I was pregnant. It was crazy: I didn't tell my best friends, but I told a woman I had known for three months because it affected the decor."
Recalling the day she suffered the miscarriage, Bethenny said, "It was warm out, 50 degrees, but you'd have thought it was negative 10, I was shivering so much. I took Bryn to the Central Park Zoo, and I was cold and tired, and felt terrible. Then, in the makeup chair for 'Bethenny Ever After', I started bleeding. Really bleeding."
She continued her story, "Jason picked me up, and we went to the doctor. In the exam room the doctor ran an ultrasound, looking for the heartbeat. Something was wrong. 'I'm not finding it,' he said. Jason said, 'I don't see it.' And I'm like, 'Is this a miscarriage?' I didn't know."
When she asked the doctor whether the miscarriage happened because of her mistake, he replied, "Absolutely not, absolutely not. You're 41. You had bleeding. There's nothing you could have done." The explanation didn't make her feel any better though. "And I hadn't done anything. Since I'd found out, I'd been lying down for an hour or two a day and letting others take up the slack," she said in regret.
"Last week my husband, Jason, and I took our daughter to our neighborhood park in New York City," she wistfully recounted. "She walked up to one just a bit younger than herself, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then walked along chirping, 'It's a little baby girl! I love her!' Jason and I looked at each other, and I know we were thinking the same thing: If only..."